Who am I?

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Who are you? Everyone must answer this question before embarking on a relationship with another person. Do you really know yourself in terms of your weaknesses and strengths? Do you take heed to wise instructions and constructive criticisms? How do you behave when things do not go right for you? How do you manage stress and crises? If you are not sure, are there some things, which you need to take care of before getting serious with this person? Can you manage this by yourself? Will you need professional help to recover from past emotional pain and distress? Are you happy with the way you are living? Do you need to change some things in your life before you say, “I DO?” Maybe you should consider each of the following points.

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Emotional Wholeness

Are you emotionally ready for this marriage? Since your last breakup/divorce, have you overcome your disappointment, hurts, bitterness, and pain? You must be able to function emotionally without constantly referring to the past, and things that will injure or impede your future relationship with this new person. Do you still hold resentment, grudges, and malice in your heart from other experiences? Are you an unforgiving person who must get your pound of flesh at all costs? Are you taking baggage from the past to dump onto this person? How will you treat this person? Do you think you will be objective and trusting in this relationship? Emotional wholeness is essential for a solid, healthy relationship.

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Financial Sense

Do you spend your money impulsively? Can you say that you practice financial sense, in terms of making purchases, investments, or savings? Do you have large outstanding debts? If yes, what are your plans for settling them?

Will you expect your future spouse to settle this matter when you are married without informing him/her?

What is your list of importance when it comes to where you like to eat, your interests, where you go for vacations; and your immediate needs as opposed to your wants?

You may have to make some changes concerning your spending habits or behaviours, which caused problems in former relationships. If this is so, then you need to act upon this as soon as possible.

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The In-Laws

If you were married before, did you get along with your in-laws? What caused the former relationship to break?

What role did your in-laws play in the former relationship? Has this left you torn and untrusting of in-laws coming too close to you?

Will you reveal your fears to the future spouse? If you are planning on a safe journey in this new marriage, you must be honest from the beginning. When you are reflecting, make sure you put the blame where it belongs. If you are honest with yourself, this will be of great value and help which might protect you from future problems with the new family. This is where knowledge of who you are is so vital because each person does not handle conflicts the same way.

Will the in-law/s be living with you and your spouse? Are you sure you will be comfortable with this arrangement? You must think seriously before agreeing for this to happen. Do you pretend and try to go along with this arrangement only to hook this person. You may not like the outcome. It will serve you better to be honest with yourself, and be true to the future spouse concerning your feelings about the in-laws.

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Confidence

How confident are you about the person you want to marry? What are your hopes and dreams concerning this relationship? What are your expectations? If you believe you are ready for this relationship, what makes you so confident?

Who are you? Do you base your validation on what others say about you or who you know yourself to be?

Are you prepared to be a wife/husband? What kind of person are you to join with someone for a permanent relationship?

Are you a good housekeeper when it comes to cleanliness and neatness? If you are a Christian, do you think you will be able to minister to your spouse in times of stress, crises, failure, and so on?

Are you a demanding person, who must always have your own way, no matter what?

Can you honestly say that you are a reasonable and stable person?

Are you truly confident about yourself, and your circumstances in life? Who are you?

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Personality Make-up

Personality make-up refers to a collection of traits found in four particular constructs reflecting, character, and behaviours specifically peculiar to you as a person. You express these traits in your interpersonal relationships, the choices you make, and your response to needs in your life.

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A brief description of personality make-up:

The melancholic is often a perfectionist and orderly. This person may also like to spend more time alone than with many people around.

The choleric is ambitious, and dominates others. Such a person could be demanding and controlling.

The sanguine is fun loving, and optimistic. Maybe he or she does not consider the future. Spend today, and tomorrow will take care of itself.

The phlegmatic is shy, often unemotional, and rational. Everyone is different and responds to situation in his or her own way because of the personality. For example, although someone may have a need, that person may not express this in a manner, which the other individual can understand in order to fill the desire because of his/her personality trait.

  Despite your love and tenderness for each other, it is imperative that you understand the way you each express needs in your lives.

Where there is a lack of knowledge concerning each other, this might result in misunderstandings leading to conflicts as the relationship develops. Furthermore, you will not progress as easily or quickly in pleasing each other, especially in the early stages of the marital relationship. You must know who you are before making any decision to join yourself with another person for a lifetime relationship.

  The understanding of personality traits plays a crucial role in any permanent relationship such as marriage. If you want to know your personality, both Christian and secular counsellors have prepared tests, which will help you to understand your individual personality. The result of this test may prove vital to your happiness, and the life of the marriage. If you do not know yours or the personality make-up of your future spouse, you may face some difficulties trying to get along with each other. A lack of knowledge may end up being catastrophic to the relationship even though you love each other.

  In any case, God is the only One Who knows everything about us. Prayer is one way in which you can meet with God and bring your cares to Him concerning the choice for marriage. It may well be that you have someone with whom you get along while courting. However, after the wedding, this is when the marriage really begins which might change the entire scenario.

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Religious Perspectives

Marriage is a sacred covenant, which needs careful consideration before entering this holy institution. You must be willing to adhere to the principles of monogamy, and permanence. This means that as a covenant, each individual is making a sacred promise to “love and to hold, forsaking all others, ‘till death us do part.” Moreover, in a marital relationship, there are specific duties prescribed by God, for each spouse to perform. Although many couples are not respecting God’s principles, He insists on obedience to His Word. Therefore, each individual ought to think about the reasons why he or she wants to be married before saying, “I DO.”

If you are a religious person, what are your views on abortion, adultery, and divorce?  How do you feel about the in-laws, children and discipline, cooking, and the normal events, which go on in a household? Be very honest, and do not dance around your beliefs because you want to marry this person. Furthermore, if you are in a constant relationship with Jesus Christ, by being faithful to Him, you will be faithful to your spouse. You will possess a strong, stable, spiritual, and emotional foundation to bring to the relationship. This means that if you are a true believer in Christ Jesus, in your preparation, you sought spiritual guidance concerning this relationship. In addition, you should be in premarital counselling, and this should continue at least three months after the marriage. The reason is that this is the time when the real person emerges.

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Marital Requirements

Marriage requires a sound emotional and spiritual basis from which to work. Do you know what it means to be a husband or a wife? From where or whom did you obtain your answers? If you are a soap opera addict, you might be tempted to fashion an ideal marriage based only on fantasy. For example, the Bible states that husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies…and not to be bitter against them (Ephesians 5:28; Colossians 3:19). In response, a wife must submit to her own husband (Ephesians 5:22; Colossians 3:18). Can you love another person unconditionally? As a woman, are you prepared to submit to your husband? I repeat; do you know who you are?

Marriage is not a beautiful expensive outfit bought for the wedding day. It is not the number of persons who will attend the ceremony or the amount of money you will spend for the occasion. Therefore, until you are sure about the meaning of marriage and the requirements for peace and happiness, you will be greatly disappointed.

Are you prepared to adhere to a typical family unit of one man, one woman, and children if you so desire? This relationship is similar to Jesus Christ and His love for the church. He loved the church and gave His life for her (Ephesians 5). Can you love this one person without straying to another later in the relationship? Next, have you thought about the implications of merging two families? This may include children from both sides and, of course the in-laws and friends on both sides. Be truthful to yourself and your future spouse regarding your motives for this marriage. Do not harbour any hidden agendas when you are making this serious decision about marriage.

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Parenting

Are you a parent? If you are not, are you ready to be a parent? What are your views about discipline, values, life, and the raising of children? Do you want children? Have you discussed your views with the future spouse? What will happen if you cannot have children? If the fault is with your spouse, what happens then? Does your future spouse know if you are able to have children? Do you think you are ready to raise children even if it means putting off some of your interests, and desires? If you fall out of love with your spouse, what would be the consequences to the family? In contrast, are you likely to leave the raising of your children to the television, internet, babysitters, outside caregivers, grandparents, or the school? If you are planning to have grandparents to take care of your children, have you both consulted with them to get their agreement on this?

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Extended Family

What if the other person has children from a previous relationship, would you want to share your spouse with them? Are you prepared to raise another person’s child/children? Will you accept and love them with fairness and empathy? Are you a jealous person? Are you emotionally stable for a lifetime relationship with this person and his/her children? What if your future spouse has a parent in a nursing home, will you give your support for the upkeep of the parent? Could you live with the thought that your future spouse is paying child support or even alimony? Do not force yourself to take on this emotional and financial responsibility if you are not prepared to work alongside as a loving, sincere, reliable, and supportive person. Do not pretend or lie. These have a way of emerging at the wrong time.

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Sexuality

One of the most important issues to consider in a relationship is the concept of sexuality. Are you satisfied with your sexuality and your views about sex? Do you believe in a monogamous relationship, and are you prepared to adhere to this principle? Do you have a sexual addiction that would not allow you to be satisfied with one person? Next, do you believe in pre-marital sex? What are the beliefs of your future spouse? Can you both contain yourselves until you are married? Do you feel that you are a woman trapped in a man’s body, or a man trapped in a woman’s body? If you have this belief, are you determined to maintain the gender you were born with for the remainder of your life? Are you sure about this? How does this affect your response to the opposite sex? If you have had re-constructive surgery, are you prepared to disclose this information to your future spouse? Will you reveal your true natural identity before the marriage?

Marriage does not change who you are. That change comes from within, and by accepting yourself as the person whom God made. Occasionally, an individual who has unusual sexual tendencies may try to submerge those feelings into a marital relationship only to find out later that marriage was a mistake. Do not get into a relationship of pretense that would hurt you and your spouse. Be sure of who you are, and maintain that belief before making your choice. You must be certain of who you are, and what you want before binding another person to your desires, especially if the individual believes in the sacredness of marriage. If you are an heterosexual, homosexual, bi-sexual, or other, decide what you want for a lifetime relationship; but do not use deceit to win another person’s love. Are you a bi-sexual who often entertains sessions with those of your gender? Will you tell your future spouse? Who are you, and what do you prefer in terms of your sexuality? Be honest, clear, and precise.

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Research for Information

It is important that each person does thorough research before planning to marry. Make every effort to know the person with whom you are about to build a relationship.  Find out all you can about the individual with whom you are planning to marry, and do not be ignorant of the common avoidable mistakes, which infest marital relationships. Do not foolishly dive into a relationship! A thorough investigation of the individual is important for those who find lovers on cyberspace. Do not go blindly into a relationship because someone used a set of questions to find a spouse for you. Get to know the person. Look her/him in the face, eyeball to eyeball, and watch for every detail of deception/truth. Outer appearances change. Bodies sag, and what you see, may only simply being held together by support. If you must find someone on cyberspace, do your homework, and do not depend alone on what you see. You must take time to find out about the individual. Where there are doubts, ask questions to be sure this is the person for you. Do not take chances and do not pretend.

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Mister Untidy or Miss Organized

Some people are happier with a nice clean home, rather than to go out or even make love. Those persons have a passion for tidiness, and they will make a noise if the place is not in tip-top condition at all times. They are fussy, neat freaks! What are your attitudes about neatness and other important things in a marital relationship? In other words, what are your views about sexual duties as opposed to keeping a ship-shape home? Does it have to be one or the other for you? Do you have certain rules that you will expect your spouse to live by? Will you reveal those rules, or are you planning to present them to your spouse once you are married? What will happen if your spouse refuses to follow those rules?  What then! He/she may be sloppy, messy, drops clothes all over the place, and keeps the bathroom untidy. Could you deal with this behaviour? Bear in mind that true love is sacrificial. You must learn to pick your battles, and always fight fair. It is very important to discuss your likes and dislikes and check yourself to find out if you are ready for another relationship especially if the last one was a disaster.

Do not try to get by with who you think you are. You must be sure of yourself and know that you are ready for this relationship. Another point, are you a light sleeper who cannot stand another person snoring next to you? It could also be that you like to sleep in on certain days or you do not like the light to be on in the bedroom. Who are you? What do you like? What is your ideal environment for a good night’s sleep?

If you are comfortable with yourself, then you are well adjusted, stable, thoughtful, unselfish, and loving; with a willingness to change if need be. This does not mean you should let someone control or manipulate you in order to dominate your life. If you are confident with the knowledge of yourself, one could reasonably say you are ready to embark on a new relationship. Know yourself, and be true to yourself. Who are you?

  The next question is, “Who is this Person you want to marry? ​

 

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Ten Questions To Ask Myself

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